Dreams

It's been too long since I wrote anything. :-/


At the beginning of 2012, I asked God for a word to describe the theme of this year.  His answer, "Yes".  This is the year of Yes -- yes to dreams, yes to new adventures, new ways of thinking, new activities, new friendships.  The year is almost half over and already I have seen so many exciting things happening.


In March, I took my kids to Nicaragua with a medical mission team from our church.  It has been a lifelong dream of mine to make missions trips, and to bring my kids.  I was thrilled to be finally doing this.  It was an incredible experience!  I loved seeing their reactions to a different culture, language, food, people.  Their sense of adventure kicked in and they didn't even miss being cut off from technology as they explored the beautiful mountain surroundings, played ping pong with some Japanese med students on our team, rode on top of the dilapidated bus up rough mountain roads to the villages, played soccer with village kids, marveled at chickens roosting in the outdoor latrine, tried new foods and helped out the team in dozens of ways.  The trip was a blessing and answer to prayer.  I may have to do it again.


Another dream is to run/walk a half marathon.  I've never been much of a runner.  But my vision of myself has been changing.  There is something about stepping out to do what you've always believed impossible that opens up your mind to new ways of thinking.   My plan is to train and prepare for a half marathon in October.  Scary, but I'm doing it. :)


This summer holds the potential for new opportunities.  I'm excited to see God open doors.  


"You are most dangerous when you have nothing to lose!" - The Ultimate Comeback




So I'm dreaming big and asking God for the moon -- got nothing to lose!

Being Quiet

Not much to say these days.  Lots of activity in the externals.  But every now and then I take some time to sit and read and ponder.  In these quiet moments, God is slowly shifting the way I see life, see Him, see myself.  The hidden roots of my soul growing deeper into the soil seeking out Life-giving water. 

Thanking Him for these gifts. . .

336.  Soul-reviving solitude

337.  Rose bushes blooming in abundance

338.  Thunderstorms

339.  The "E.M. Bounds' Complete Works on Prayer" find at a used book store

340.  Fresh paint

341.  Phone calls to my kids in Arizona

342.  New pair of sunglasses

343.  Words of encouragement from an unexpected source.

344.  Beach time

345.  Visit from a dear friend I haven't seen for years. 

Peace,

Still

Still

Not what my life has been like this past month.  

The days have been full of activity, details, hurry, decisions, stress.

Packing, sorting, tossing out stuff and all that goes with moving to a new place.

I'm tired.

My body is tired.

My soul is tired.

Last night I finally stopped the anxious hurry in my head and poured it all out before God.

He listened and then asked me to give up control of all these things that I've been carrying.

Letting go of the burden, the weight of responsibility.

Leaving it in His very capable and much stronger hands.

Why is it that I have to get to the point of complete exhaustion before I catch on that I've been carrying the whole load and not letting Him have any of it??

Who knows?

But I was done.

So I let go.  "It's all yours,  Lord."

And then....the peace came in.  That stillness in my spirit, knowing that He is God and He is handling it.

"I have stilled and quieted my soul.  Like a weaned child with its mother." Psalm 131:2

The anxious, hungry striving replaced with peace.

Just being still...with Him.

www.thegypsymama.com

If I knew I could, I would...

I'm getting addicted to thegypsymama's 5 Minute Fridays.  There's something freeing about writing on a topic for 5 minutes without holding back or editing.  Come join in the fun.  

GO

If I knew I could, I would:

Set free all those exploited children trapped in the sex trade and carry them to Jesus and see Him heal their wounded souls, hearts and bodies and restore their lost identity.

Adopt a bunch of orphans from around the world, bring them home, hug them and love on them day after day till I saw their eyes light up with joy and the security of knowing they finally have a mama and a home.

Tell everyone I know how amazing they are and all the ways they reveal the fingerprint of God.

Watch the final launch of the Endeavor from the space center.  I'll have to content myself with seeing it from my front yard.  (Still spectacular, just not as close.)

STOP

Okay, now it's your turn.  Go for it!  :-)

Alive

Easter Sunday was more meaningful for me this year because my 88 year old grandmother was preparing to cross over to Heaven.  She'd been in ICU battling pneumonia with complications for nearly a week.  Most of the family was there, saying their goodbyes.  I spoke mine over the phone from 5 states away.

Early in the morning, my kids and I headed to the beach for our Easter tradition of watching the sun rise, eating Dunkin Donuts, and reading the Resurrection story.  I sat on the mat while my kids played in the waves, remembering her life and legacy, and thinking how comforting it is to know that she is going to live with Jesus, the One who made all this possible.  


There is sadness mixed with hope.


"I am the resurrection and the life.  He who believes in me will live, even though he dies."  John 11:25

When I am weak...

It was a hard night.  Wide awake, I wrestled through my deepest fears and doubts.  

I never chose to raise my kids alone, without a man's help.  It's too big of a job for any one person.  There is so much I don't know about raising my kids well, and even the things I do know, I don't always know how to do them.  I see so many areas that are lacking and need attention.  Most days I am so preoccupied with trying to survive that I fear some key things are falling through the cracks. 

Four years ago, a few days after I learned about my husband's affair, his parents took our family to Sedona for the day.  They were unaware of what was going on between us or how my heart was dying inside.  We spent the day hiking and enjoying the beauty of Oak Creek Canyon.   At the end of the day, as I stood on the hill looking out over those huge red rock formations, God whispered His truth to me."My plans for your life are stronger than those rocks.  They cannot be moved or shaken."  

I clung to that promise through many dark days.

"Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God." Isaiah 50:10

As last night became today, He reminded me that He is a Father to my children.  I don't do this alone.  Just as He's been with me and helped me, He will be with them.  He wants me to simply trust Him.  Peace and sleep came with surrender. 

This morning at my daughter's bus stop, we sat in silence -- too tired to speak.  I remembered my wrestling in the night.  While we waited, God reminded me that it's okay to be weak.  

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9

Counting these gifts of weakness. . .

326.  Tears in the night

327.  Not knowing

328.  Death of my dreams

329.  Heartache

330.  Loneliness

331.  No one to talk to

332.  Sadness

333.  Feeling inadequate

334.  Weariness

335.  Empty

"For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Cor 12:10

In His strength,

On Distance

It's time for 5 Minute Friday with thegypsymama.  This week's theme:  On Distance.

(I confess it's a little unnerving to write for 5 minutes straight about whatever comes into my brain -- just shooting straight from the hip.  But hey, it's Friday.  Time to let loose and live a little.) 

Go

I've lived with distance my whole life.

Saying goodbye to my parents and little sisters at the age of 8, going to boarding school for missionaries' kids, 2 hours flight away from home. 
Saying goodbye to my friends and classmates, flying out to the remote jungle village to spend Christmas and summer breaks with my family.

I spent my most of my childhood at a distance from those I loved.

Physical distance can be hard.  Emotional distance is a killer!

Distance that silently grew between my ex-husband's heart and mine until we became an ocean away from each other.  I fought with all my strength to keep us close but it didn't change anything. 
Now we are as distant as two people could ever be.  But I'm finally at peace with that.

The sad part is this means my children live over 1000 miles away from their father.  Still more distance than anybody would want.

I'm tired of living at a distance from people.  Sometimes it feels safer to keep everyone at arms' length, not letting anyone really in to see me, to see my heart.  But living fully alive means taking steps to bridge the distance, even if it's scary and risky and makes me feel extremely vulnerable. 

God refuses to let distance grow between us, and I'm glad.  He pulls me in close to His heart in the deepest kind of intimacy.  And He's safe, so it's okay.