Endeavor

We went to watch the Endeavor launch last night with some friends from church. My kids and I had never seen a space shuttle launch. We were a several miles away up the beach. But we had a great view.

The whole night sky lit up like a sunrise. And then it was off and what an amazing sight! We watched it go all the way across the sky, passing in front of the full moon. Then the booster rockets fell off and we heard the sonic boom.

It was AWESOME!!! I've never seen anything like it. The thing that really hit me was that there were people on top of all that fire. We watched until it became just a tiny speck of light, like one of the stars.

How very small we are, yet how infinitely precious!

Tongue in Cheek

To my loyal reader (and anyone else who happens to stumble upon this page) I just have one disclaimer to make:

If you find yourself listening to Jennifer Saunders' famous "I Need a Hero" song from Shrek 2, then let me just make this disclaimer -- No, I'm not totally devoid of musical taste.

But on my last post, I kept thinking of that song and decided to add it to my playlist just for the fun of it. Somehow it seemed to fit the mood I was in. And I'll keep it on until I get tired of it. (Oops! I guess that does say something about my lack of musical taste!)

My kids are getting annoyed with me for continuing to play it. Oh well, they've always known their mother is a little strange -- harmless, but strange.

Happy listening!!

Found

"In my distress, I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help.

I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for Him but did not find Him. I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares. I will search for the one my heart loves.

Look! Here He comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills.

Clouds and thick darkness surround him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of His throne. Fire goes out before Him and consumes His foes on every side. His lightening lights up the world. The earth sees and trembles. The mountains melt like wax before the LORD, before the LORD of all the earth.

He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under His feet. He mounted the cherubim and flew; He soared on the wings of the wind. He made darkness His covering, His canopy around Him -- the dark rain clouds of the sky.

The LORD thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. The voice of the LORD is powerful, the voice of the LORD is majestic. The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars, the voice of the LORD shakes the desert.

He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.

My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me."

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace, you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth, and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.

For your Maker is your husband -- the LORD Almighty is His name. The Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth.

The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit -- a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God.

"My dove, in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside. Show me your face, let me hear your voice: for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely."

I held Him and would not let Him go. This is my lover and this is my friend."

Praise

A friend recently gave me the book by Ruth Myers called, "31 Days of Praise." It was especially meaningful to me to read in the preface, Ruth's story of how she lost her husband to cancer and was left a young widow with 2 small children to raise. If there is anyone who is familiar with shattered dreams, heartache and loneliness, it's Ruth. So when she talks about praising God in the midst of darkness and suffering, I find myself paying attention because she's been there and she knows.

There is something incredibly powerful about praising the Lord when your whole world has fallen apart. I discovered that for myself several months ago. One morning I got up early because my heart was in turmoil and pain and I couldn't sleep. I just could not believe that anything good could come from my husband filing for divorce and abandoning me and the children. But as I sat wrestling with God, the Holy Spirit asked me to praise Him.

What? Praise Him for this?? How on earth could I do that? But He gently insisted. So as a simple act of my will, with all my emotions protesting loudly, I opened my mouth and through tears I began to praise Him. I thanked Him that my husband had rejected me. I thanked Him for the divorce papers that he had filed. I thanked Him for all those things that felt like little spears thrust into my heart. I thanked Him that He is God.

The strangest thing happened. It was like a quiet, peaceful warmth came over me. My heart was at rest and didn't hurt anymore. It was surreal. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I knew something was different. All that pain, fear, anger was just gone. So I sat for a while just enjoying the quiet in my soul and the love I felt from the Father.

After some reflection, I began to understand more of what had happened. When I choose with my will to praise God even for the things that are destroying my life and causing so much pain, it's like my spirit by faith reaches through the dark and grabs hold of the hand of Jesus. I lay hold of the truth that "all things work together for good, to those who love God and are called according to His purpose." I am trusting that His heart is good towards me, even when He lets me suffer. I receive hope that even this horrible thing in our lives, in the hands of Jesus, is turning out for our highest good.

Although since that day, I have had many times of anger, pain, fear, doubt, loneliness -- you name it, I have not forgotten that simple truth. I might spend a few days wrestling with God, but eventually, He gets me back to that place of surrender and praise.

And interestingly enough, I'm still married. My husband moved to another state and will have to refile when he becomes a resident. Although nothing has changed in his heart about our marriage and my circumstances as a virtual single mom are still the same, yet the Lord continues day by day to give me reason to praise Him.

Surely our griefs, He Himself bore and our sorrows He carried. Isaiah 53:4

Because You are my help
I sing in the shadow of Your wings.
My soul clings to You;
Your right hand holds me up. Psalm 63: 7,8

Little Toad a.k.a. "I Need a Hero!"

I'm terrified of frogs and toads. Have been my whole life. I know, it's silly. Go ahead and laugh.

My mom thinks she passed it on to me. But I believe it also may have something to do with being raised in Colombia, the country with the most species of frogs in the world. I have memories of living in the boarding school for missionaries' kids in the middle of the Andes foothills. During rainy season, the frogs and toads came out in droves (or so it seemed to me.) They found their way in everywhere.

You'd go to take a shower and be washing up, all vulnerable and exposed. Then you'd turn around and see, in the folds of the shower curtain, a tree frog!! So now there's the dilemma of "How do I get out of here without that THING jumping on my little naked self?!!"
I learned to pray fervently in those times. "Please, Jesus, don't let it jump on me! Please, Jesus, get me out of here! God, why did you create frogs?? What were You thinking?" Really devout prayers for a 9 year old girl.

It didn't help that I lived in the dorm with a bunch of MK boys known for their mischeiviousness. If they had discovered I was afraid of frogs/toads, my life would have become a living hell. But fortunately, I wised up early on and acted all nonchalant when one of them would hold up a disgusting specimen of toadhood right in my face. Some comment like, "Oh, cool toad!" would take the fun out of scaring me with them and I was able to walk by inwardly shivering in revulsion but keeping my phobias to myself.

As an adult living in the midwest and southwest US, I've been able to avoid amphibians for nearly 20 years. But now that I'm in Florida with a home that is surrounded by nature, they're in my face again. Every time it rains, the cutest little toads start hopping through the yard. I say they're cute as long as they stay away from me. But last night was a different story.

I had tucked the kids in bed and they were already sound asleep. When I walked into my bedroom, there was one of those little toads! He was still cute but in a sinister way. I watched in horror as he hopped under my desk. I had some work to finish up on the computer and how could I sit there at that desk knowing at any moment, he could hop his repulsive little body onto MY FOOT??!! My mind raced as I frantically thought of how I could get him out of here and still stand safely on the bed. There was no way. I had to do something.

I toyed with the idea of spraying it with roach poison. But what if that didn't work but only made it really sick?? I didn't want the creature to suffer needlessly. I thought of my son's machete. I could try to kill the thing. But more than likely I would hack the floor to pieces in the process and then would have a disgusting murder scene to deal with. (Not to mention the guilt.)

So I did the only thing any phobic loving mother would do. I woke up my brave 10 year old son and patiently waited for him to come to full consciousness. Then I earnestly begged for his help. He valiantly came to my rescue and caught that toad with a cup and piece of paper. I stood on a chair and opened the front door while he tossed it out safely into the night. I told my son he was my hero and I meant it from the bottom of my heart! He said, "Sure, Mom" and went back to sleep.

I realize that some day I will have to face my fears. Who knows? Maybe I will grow fond of frogs and toads and even let my kids keep one as a pet. Someday, when Jesus comes back and there is peace once again between woman and amphibian. But for now, me and my phobia will keep a watchful eye out for little hoppers in the night. And if I see one -- well, I know where I can find a hero.

Blindsided

It's hard to be going along, everything seems to be normal or at least okay. Then out of the blue I get blindsided with grief. It can be the smallest thing that sets it off. But it just hurts and there's no getting around it. I guess the good thing is that it's not so overwhelming or constant as it used to be. Now it's more of an occasional thing.

Sometimes I get angry that I'm in this limbo place -- married, but not. For all intents and purposes, I'm a single mom, but with none of the freedom or benefits, (if you can call them benefits.) I'm angry that my husband gets away with sinful irresponsibility and there is no justice, and I have no recourse. Yet at the same time, I don't want full justice because then the kids and I would lose out forever. He would be gone. So I want God's justice, but with mercy. Mostly I just want God to change everything and make it all new.

I find myself beating my head against God's brick wall. He has allowed these things into my life and He keeps me hedged in so that the only place I have to run is to Him. And so I pour out my heart to the Lord:

"O Lord God of my salvation, I cry out to You by day. I come to You at night. Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer. Answer me for I need Your help. Protect me, for I am devoted to You. Save me for I serve You and trust You.
You are my God.
Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am calling on You constantly.
Give me joy, O Lord, for I give myself to You.
O Lord, You are so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for Your help.
Listen closely to my prayer, O Lord, hear my urgent cry.
I will call to You whenever I'm in trouble and You will answer me.
For You are great and perform wonderful deeds.
You alone are God.
Teach me Your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to Your truth.
Grant me purity of heart so that I may honor You.
With all my heart I will praise You, O Lord my God.
I will give glory to Your name forever,
For Your love for me is very great. You have rescued me from the depths of death.
Send me a sign of Your favor. Then those who hate me will be put to shame, for You, O Lord, help me and comfort me."

Backyard Symphony

The other day I was sipping coffee in my favorite chair, venting to God about -- well, lots of things. So He invited me to go outside to my backyard. I sat on the weathered picnic table in the mid-morning sunshine and continued with my complaints and worries. He said nothing, just sat there next to me, listening. After a while, I stopped talking and started to listen too.

That was when I noticed a sound that had been in the background while I was busy talking. It was the sound of hundreds of hidden cicadas playing a symphony. The music swelled and rose to a huge crescendo and then faded to almost quiet.

I thought they were done. But a small group on the left side of the yard continued playing. Soon they were joined by more until the sound filled the air with this amazing insect music. Occasionally, they were joined by a blackbird solo or the buzzing of a bee. The song rose and fell again and again.

I was completely fascinated. We both sat there listening to this beautiful concert of hidden musicians. I didn't see a single one, not even the bird. The only creature life I could see were a couple of butterflies chasing each other around the yard or the occasional lizard rustling through the grass. But even that sound seemed to fit in with the rest of the music as if it were planned.

Then it began to dawn on me how much enjoyment the Lord was getting from the music of His little creatures. He listens to them all the time and never gets tired of it. He pointed something out to me as we sat on that table. Every single one of those cicadas were simply being themselves. They weren't doing anything out of the ordinary, only what they were created to do. Each one by itself would still make amazing sounds. But when they all joined together, being themselves, living their lives to the fullest, the beauty of their symphony leaves you filled with awe and wonder.

I sat there for a little longer enjoying the music and reflecting on what He showed me. It was a lot to take in. I don't think I realized how much the Lord enjoys it when I'm being myself, especially with Him. But how much greater is His delight when His children are being themselves together, living freely in His love. To Him it's the most beautiful music in the world.