17

Seventeen years ago this coming Saturday was my wedding day.  
July 24, 1993.

Yesterday, I reviewed the final draft of the "marriage settlement agreement" for our divorce.  

There's not much to settle.  We leave the marriage empty-handed, just like we entered it.  The only treasures are two beautiful, precious, amazing children and years of memories. 

This was not how I wanted it to end.  Watching the relationship crumble quickly before my eyes, I fought hard to keep it going, to keep it alive.  For 3 long years I waited, praying and hoping, begging God for restoration.  

And God restored me.  

In a few days, my husband and I will sign a document, just like we did 17 years ago.  Then he will go his way and I will go mine.

It's strange, I thought it would destroy me to go through all that I've experienced.  I thought divorce would be the worst thing that could happen.  Yet here I am on the very threshold and I feel peace.  A little sadness.  But mostly peace and a sense of anticipation for what God has for me.

I am thankful.  Thankful for 17 years as a wife.  I grew so much as a person being married to him.  I'm thankful for the past 3 1/2 years of heartache.  Walking those dark paths, I have learned the faithfulness of God and how deeply the Lord loves me.  I have learned to trust.

"Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things.  
Who, O God, is like you?
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.  
You will increase my honor and comfort me once again. 
My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you -- I, whom you have redeemed."
Psalm 71:19-21, 22


In hope,

Unfailing

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

Psalm 90:14

Seeing His unfailing love in these gifts. . .

275. discovering a new song that speaks straight to my heart

276. fun and laughter on a Friday night

277. hearing from a long-ago friend

278. a hand reaching out to hold mine in prayer

279. quiet solitude and time to think

280. peppermint oil in my mop water

281. a good conversation with my dad

282. the joy of making new friends

283. three favorite books from the library

284. a 10 year old boy inviting me to play marbles

With joy,

Praising

Praise the LORD.

Praise, O servants of the LORD; praise the name of the LORD.
Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore.
From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised.

The LORD is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens.
Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?
He raises the poor from the dust, and lifts the needy from the ash heap.

Psalm 113:1-7

Some days are spent in dust and ashes.  But looking up and seeing His face, seeing His glory changes everything.  The sight of Him fills my heart with wonder.  His grace and holiness cleansing my dusty soul, refreshing my spirit.

Who is like the LORD our God!

In worship,

Receiving

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.  By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.
Psalm 42:7,8



Receiving His love in these gifts

265.  The laughter and warmth of friendship.
266.  My girl's hand slipping into mine during Sunday worship.
267.  Listening to someone I barely know pray for me.
268.  Sweet southern ice tea on a hot day.

269.  Discovering my cantaloupe vines are growing melons.

270.  The freedom to laugh at myself when I realize I don't remember how to spell cantaloupe. (giggle!)  Thankful for dictionary.com.
271.  Early morning coffee in His presence.

272.  My boy cooking homemade pancakes for breakfast

273.  Listening to my kids laughing together.

274.  The fun of getting wet in an unexpected rain shower.

Enjoying the adventure,

photo courtesy of www.forestwander.com

Storm

This is me.  My life.

The past few years have been one long, furious storm.  Sometimes it was so hard to see through the pounding rain.  Dark days where the sun seemed a distant memory.  It was all I could do to huddle down with my kids praying God would just get us through. 

And He did.

The storm slowly eased off.  Light began to peek through the gray clouds, giving glimpses of hope that maybe life could be good again for us. 

Now I look around me, amazed.  Surprised.  The landscape looks very different than I imagined.  It always is after the big storms.  But there's beauty here, more than I ever expected.  I see God's glory shining through the fading storm.

We are changed, my kids and me.  There is a heartache we will always carry.  Loss does that to you.  But there's joy here too.  And today, I find myself thanking God for the storm.


In His arms,

Unexpected

We were looking forward to school winding down and the first relaxing days of summer.  But unexpectedly, my daughter ended up in the hospital. 
This was not how we planned the summer to begin.  
It's rare that life goes according to plan.
That's what makes it an adventure!


In the midst of the stress and worry, God placed His small touches throughout the days reminding me that He was there with us.


Thanking Him for these unexpected gifts. . .

255.  A friendly and helpful ER staff
256.  Her dad being there and spending that first night with her. 
257.  Hearing friends and family were praying for my girl.
258.  A spacious room with a view on the 14th floor
259.  Seeing my girl's courage and endurance.
260.  Coffee and yummy frosted cinnamon rolls
261.  Discovering one of those wonderful nurses is a sister
262.  Free parking.
263.  Watching a movie together and laughing
264.  Seeing that beautiful sunrise with her from the hospital room.


Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.
Psalm 116:7

Transition

I haven't had much to say.  

God is up to something.  I don't know what it is exactly, only that it's good. 

But the mystery is wreaking havoc with the lingering control freak side of me.  
When I ask Him, He only grins and says, "Trust Me."

Transition is not easy.  This shifting of paradigms makes me dizzy.  It's hard to focus, hard to understand what it is I see.  I'm at a loss to know how to be, how to feel, what to think. 

My old, familiar ways are dissolving and I have nothing left to hold onto.
Except a scarred hand that holds the world, and holds me.

I don't know where we're going.  But I trust Him more today than I did yesterday.  
I guess that's enough.


For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,
Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13