It's hard to be going along, everything seems to be normal or at least okay. Then out of the blue I get blindsided with grief. It can be the smallest thing that sets it off. But it just hurts and there's no getting around it. I guess the good thing is that it's not so overwhelming or constant as it used to be. Now it's more of an occasional thing.
Sometimes I get angry that I'm in this limbo place -- married, but not. For all intents and purposes, I'm a single mom, but with none of the freedom or benefits, (if you can call them benefits.) I'm angry that my husband gets away with sinful irresponsibility and there is no justice, and I have no recourse. Yet at the same time, I don't want full justice because then the kids and I would lose out forever. He would be gone. So I want God's justice, but with mercy. Mostly I just want God to change everything and make it all new.
I find myself beating my head against God's brick wall. He has allowed these things into my life and He keeps me hedged in so that the only place I have to run is to Him. And so I pour out my heart to the Lord:
"O Lord God of my salvation, I cry out to You by day. I come to You at night. Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer. Answer me for I need Your help. Protect me, for I am devoted to You. Save me for I serve You and trust You.
You are my God.
Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am calling on You constantly.
Give me joy, O Lord, for I give myself to You.
O Lord, You are so good, so ready to forgive, so full of unfailing love for all who ask for Your help.
Listen closely to my prayer, O Lord, hear my urgent cry.
I will call to You whenever I'm in trouble and You will answer me.
For You are great and perform wonderful deeds.
You alone are God.
Teach me Your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to Your truth.
Grant me purity of heart so that I may honor You.
With all my heart I will praise You, O Lord my God.
I will give glory to Your name forever,
For Your love for me is very great. You have rescued me from the depths of death.
Send me a sign of Your favor. Then those who hate me will be put to shame, for You, O Lord, help me and comfort me."
2 comments:
Hey, Ang, thanks for letting me know about your blog...I have read all your posts and look forward to more. You have such a gift for writing and I know that God will use you to bless others. I appreciate your openness about the grief and how God has comforted you. and that is a comfort to me.
I think of you often and pray...I was just thinking yesterday that I don't tell you that often enough.
Angela - it is good word to describe my world right now, blindsided... by pain, by many other emotions. This week, I had to ask my husband to leave until he gets help. Just today, our pastor told him. (He is out of town right now.) It is not the same story as yours, but 13 years of anger building into four of pretty severe anger. Kids involved, so it is hard to realize it will be some time at least, hopefully not forever, but there are no guarantees, that I will be a single mom.
We have been pulled out of ministry for a period of time,and will be re-evaluated after that time. I don't know what will happen in my tomorrows, today.
I've read your blog. You express yourself well. But that word, blindsided, is exactly how I feel. Blindsided by pain and a deep sadness. This was not what I wanted out of life, out of my dream of a family.
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