Fragments

I haven't blogged in a while.  Lots of things going on deep under the surface.  I'm not making sense of it all yet, or seeing the patterns.  (And for me, with my penchant for noticing patterns and making connections, this is a little frustrating.)

But getting some of it out of my head and on to paper (or online) may be a little therapeutic.  So consider this a window into the jumble in my head.

1) Been thinking today about Ann Voskamp's post about the meaning of YHWH, the Name of God.

Y = yod — Hand
H = heh — window of breath, Behold
W = vav — Nail
H = heh — window of breath, Behold

I didn't know that the unspeakable name of God carries the image of the cross, of suffering.  This is the name He calls Himself, long before the New Testament.  There is such deep vulnerability here -- that I can't even get my mind around.  God, making Himself so vulnerable to me.  I don't understand it, but it's drawing my heart closer to Him.  Vulnerability has that effect on me.

2) "How glorious the splendor of a human heart that trusts that it is loved!"- Brennan Manning.  I ran into this quote the other day.  He always makes me think.  This time, he made me cry.  

I want to be there.  I want to trust that I am loved...deeply, passionately, completely.  Some days I catch glimpses of this.  But letting it sink down deep into the very core of my being takes a lot of courage.  

3) One of the hard things about having your marriage die from infidelity is that rejection becomes an unwelcome companion.  It can creep up in the most innocent of moments and before you know it, you are staggering under a wave of debilitating emotion.  It is crippling to the soul. 
I have worked through so much rejection feelings and beliefs and received extensive healing from the Lord in this area.  But I still battle a deep, nagging fear that maybe I deserved it after all and that my future relationships will be a continuous cycle of rejection.  Not fun!  I really want this to be gone once and for all.  I think God is getting me there...gradually.  The road to freedom is painful. 

4) I skipped church on Sunday and went to the beach by myself.  I didn't plan on it. But my drive took me in the general direction of the beach and on an impulse, I kept going east.  It was a beautiful day.  I sat on the sand, looking at that big ocean, letting my stress and anxieties drift out to sea.  God showed up and we did some talking.  Mostly He talked and I wrote it down. 
He wants me to take the next month off.  Not do anything for Him, not pursue Him, not work at this.  Just receive.  Let Him love me.  Focus on receiving His love and let myself be pursued.  

It sounds wonderful.  But I'm a little scared.  Honestly, I don't know how to be pursued.  I don't think I know how to be loved.  Wow!  Just saying it out there like that is even more scary.  How did I get to be like this?  I have no idea.  But I'm glad He knows what He's doing.

I leave you with a few verses from Song of Songs I am pondering:

"Arise, My darling, My beautiful one,

and come with me.

See!  The winter is past;

the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;

the season of singing has come,

the cooing of doves is heard in our land.

The fig tree forms its early fruit,

the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.

Arise,

come, My darling,

My beautiful one,

come with Me."

"I am my Beloved's and His desire is for me."

Holding His nail-scarred hand and breathing,