Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Fears

I've been a fearful person my whole life. Even as a little girl, I remember being afraid about even small things that most people wouldn't give a second thought. Two years ago, with the unraveling of my marriage, I began to live some of my deepest fears. Ironically, it was walking through all of that, I began to experience freedom from them as the Lord began to heal those deep wounds.

But as time goes on, I'm still uncovering more fear on this journey to wholeness. For example, here's a fear I'm dealing with now:

I'm afraid to commit. I'm afraid to commit to a long-term plan. I'm afraid to make big decisions. I find myself making a decision and then trying to back out after a while. I start to move forward (like in my work, for example) then I freak out and pull in. Kind of like a turtle. I'm noticing this in relationships too. The ones I've had for quite a while, I'm fine with. But the new ones, like people I've met since moving here, I'll engage with them and open up. Then I'll pull back and hide. It's like we're playing hide and seek except they don't know it.

It's kind of annoying and frustrating because I see how all this is hindering me from really moving forward in some areas. As tempting as it is to blame it all on the marriage falling apart (and I'm sure that is aggravating these fears) I know they didn't start with this. I struggled with this much earlier on. And it sure would be nice to have them gone for good.

I know who to go to. He and I have already had some discussions on this. I know we'll sort it out because ultimately, my fears stem from my lack of trust in Him. Somehow it always comes back to what I believe about God and about myself. And the best way I've discovered to get freedom from my fears is to wrestle it out with the Lord.

"I sought the LORD and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." Psalm 34:4, 5

2 comments:

Becky Aguirre said...

Jojo has watched Prince Caspian every day for nearly two weeks now and I always love to hear that song at the end! :)

Isn't it interesting that just because we ignore our 'issues' they just seem to keep popping up again? It's annoying.

I relate to what you are saying. I have been dealing with fear lately, too, and I can see that at it's root is a lack of trust in God. For some reason, I am having a very difficult time trusting that God will take care of me via my husband. As you can imagine, this is not good for a marriage...

I will pray for you in your journey.

Ellie said...

I've begun to pray sometimes, "please, please let me learn whatever it is You are trying to teach me this time. I don't want to go through this lesson again!!"

I'm just glad God doesn't smash me for having fears. He lets me talk them over with Him, which you do too.

One day. I tell myself that often. One day. One day heaven. Our tears wiped away. Reunited with people without sin affecting us. Understanding. No goodbyes, no hidden gossip, no fears. One day.