Yesterday I was angry at God. I had heard about a woman I know who lost her husband several years ago. He had been kidnapped by terrorists and after being held hostage for years, was eventually killed. She remarried and now just found out her second husband has cancer. I don't know much more than that. But my heart goes out to her and her family. It just seems like too much.
I was angry because I want to believe that things will get better and stay better. That the hard things we go through and learn from will pass and then we'll live happily ever after. But if God is taking her and her family through more suffering, after all that they endured for years, then He may do the same with me. And that really made me mad.
So after the kids were off to school, we sat down and talked. Well, mostly I talked. I realized that I was facing two different windows of life. God's view out of His window and how He sees life, my window and how I see it. I really want God to have my view of life which is a loving marriage, close-knit family, healthy bodies, plenty of money, a fulfilling and satisfying life and eventually end where we die peacefully and painlessly in our sleep.
But the God who went to the cross isn't likely to give that to me. Not if He really loves me. His purpose for my life is much different. That scares me. I don't really have control in this. I don't exist for my good pleasure, but for His. And that takes me right into the heart of God to see if He really is good and has my best in mind, even when I am suffering and things seem to be horribly wrong.
After I cooled down and listened, I caught a glimpse of what really matters to the Lord. For one moment, I saw out of His window. It was beautiful. I don't know what He has in store for me, or for that woman and her family. But once more, He has brought me to that quiet place of trust. I am willing for Him to get what He's going after in me. No matter what.