As 2008 faded away and the kids and I celebrated the dawn of 2009, I found myself with a whole jumble of emotions I didn't know what to do with. In fact, all of last week was just tough.
I remember going into 2008 with hopes of a healed marriage and timidly trusting God to do something big. But barely into the year, I found myself on the road to Florida with my two kids, feeling like refugees seeking shelter with family, and the specter of divorce staring me in the face.
The Lord has done something big, but most of it was in my heart. I'm not that same woman I was a year ago. It's been worth all the pain to discover the love God has for me. But honestly, I don't want to live through another year like the last one. And I think that's been my unconscious fear -- that 2009 will be even harder.
So God and I have been talking. I keep bringing up my fears and inabilities. He keeps saying, "Trust Me." I look at Him and I want to trust that He has something wonderful for me. But He's so big and wild and adventurous. It scares me. Part of me wants to shrink back inside my little box and hide. That's been my tendency my whole life. Play it safe, follow the rules, hide.
There is no more little box and no place to hide. I'm already in His adventure and there's no turning back. We've crossed over into a new country. I get the sense it's really beautiful here with wide open spaces. Plenty of room to run, dance and be myself. But I don't know what it all means or what to do with it.
I'm realizing that God has bigger dreams for me than I do. And He's eager to see me begin living them.
"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come. . . Arise, come, my darling, my beautiful one. Come with me." Song of Songs 2:11-13